Introduction:

This month we celebrate one of the dearest figures given to us, our mothers. The person that has played the most important role in our lives. But with Mother’s Day comes an immense landscape of cultural expectations and complex emotions. As a society, we have constructed a compelling image of motherhood, one that celebrates the love and sacrifices of all mothers. And yet, this image often falls short of the complex reality of motherhood, leaving some to feel excluded or misunderstood. 

Acknowledging Their Loss

 This holiday we have an opportunity to see a broader picture of motherhood. One that includes all mothers, even the ones around us who have lost children. We all know someone that has lost a child, and we all have compassion for them, but very few people understand what they are going through and how to comfort them. 

For many of us, Mother's Day is a joyous occasion filled with expressions of gratitude and appreciation. However, for those who have lost a child, this holiday can be a painful reminder of their loss, a stark reminder of what might have been.

Such is the case of two dear friends named Linda and Marilyn. Their journeys through motherhood took a tragic turn that stopped time, scaring the moment inside them forever. 

Linda's Story

At 20 years old, Darien moved to Florida to pursue his dream of being a motorcycle mechanic. He was a beautiful soul that loved music, the outdoors, and making people laugh. 

In Orlando, he enrolled at MMI to become a motorcycle mechanic. Then, seven weeks before graduating, tragedy struck. He was on his way to school when another biker entered the freeway driving too fast, and lost control of his bike. He hit Darien from behind, and both were thrown from their motorcycles. The other driver had minor injuries. But Darien was slammed, chest-first, onto the guard rail. He died instantly.

“December 15, 2015, is etched in my mind as the most difficult and painful time of my entire life. I received a call that my beautiful son, Darien Miles, was in a fatal motorcycle accident in Florida,” Linda said, then continued, “The days that followed were a blur as waves of debilitating disbelief and grief crashed all around and threatened to overtake me. During this time of deep pain, my loving Father drew me straight to Himself. He now embraced my precious son just as he held my wounded soul.”

Marilyn's Story

Marilyn’s phone rang at 2:18 PM on June 28, 2022. It was my daughter’s husband. “Melanie had passed out and is not breathing. Please come quick,” he said. It’s the call no mother wants to receive. She told him to call 911 and raced to the car. 

“The 25-minute drive was excruciating. I called back, fully expecting him to say she was okay. But that was not the case,” Marilyn said. During the drive, she called her daughter's husband back multiple times, checking on EMS and their treatments: “Had they shocked her heart? Did they administer Narcan? Will they help her?” But nothing helped. Upon arriving at the scene, police barred the door, not letting anyone in to see Melanie. She was gone. Marilyn could only stand in shock - mouth dry, head spinning. There were so many questions. So many conflicting parts of the story. What actually happened? But there were no answers.

Six weeks later, Marilyn learned from the toxicology report that her daughter died of accidental fentanyl poisoning. Melanie thought she was only taking hydrocodone, but it was laced with the dangerous narcotic.

Offer to Help

In the face of such tragedy, it can be difficult for family and friends to know how to offer support and empathy. And yet, there are ways to show love and solidarity even amid such an emotional crisis. Unfortunately, it’s become too common to only send a text with a simple saying: Thinking of you, sending love, prayers, or an emoji. Not to demean this action in every situation, but most often, the circumstance calls for more. 

Ultimately, the celebration of Mother's Day reminds us of the depth and power of human emotion and the importance of honoring both the joys and sorrows of life. By approaching this holiday with empathy and understanding, we can create a space of love and support for all who carry the complex emotions of motherhood.

“I’ve had a great support system through this painful grieving time. It’s been almost eight years since Darien left us. I’ve had great support from family and friends, even though they can only do so much,” says Linda.

Remember that you already have all the tools needed for your support. The support you will offer isn’t the same as a minister, chaplain, or counselor working through the grief and bereavement process. What you have is a very unique gift, the gift of yourself. And that’s more than enough.

How To Help

Mothers who have lost a child deal with overwhelming grief and may not have the energy or motivation to do simple tasks. This is where you step in. Offer to help with household chores, cooking meals, or running errands. This kind of support can be beneficial around Mother's Day when the reminders of their loss can be particularly painful.

Other things you can do are also very simple: buy a Mother’s Day card, bring them a gift, take them out for coffee. Whatever you do, the important thing is that you are there and showering them with love and compassion.

“I don’t know how I slept, ate, or even stood in the following days. My family and friends offered much support. They provided food, served us, cried with us, prayed for us, and provided so much comfort. Jesus was real through them during those horrific hours of great sadness and grief," Marilyn said.

One quick note to remember, not everyone will be in the same place. Grief is a life-long process of learning to live with loss. So, stay in touch so you will understand where she is in this process. Don’t ever assume that they are fine because it’s been years since they lost their child. So if they need space, you’ll know it. And that’s a gift as well.

Take Action

Now that you have a plan in place take action. Don’t make excuses or delays. No matter how hard it is or awkward you feel, you can do this, and it will make a difference. Love isn’t always easy, but it’s always the right action.

It’s the most simple and practical approaches to emotional trauma that work best. A cup of coffee and a willingness to listen is not a bad place to start. And, if you don’t know what to say, no worries. You don’t have to have the answers. Just being there is enough.

Grief is complex and very personal. Just be patient and allow her to express emotions in her own way and time. Don't pressure her to move on or try to fix grief. 

Move Forward

After you have completed your plan, continue to move forward. Don’t stop. Continue to be active in her life. But don’t stop there, either. This act is confidence building, confidence to offer love and support when and wherever it’s needed. While you rarely have the answers, you will be confident to talk about difficult conversations. This will be true with friends or family and with whomever God puts in your life.